Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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