She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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