I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
