My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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