No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
