I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
