im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
