last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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