would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
