Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
