Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
