dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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