as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Of course I have a pirate flag
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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