I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
