dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
