coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
