Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
