I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
