I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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