My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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