He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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