Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
