I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
