I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
