I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
