During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
