Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
