I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
