Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
