Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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