Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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