When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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