I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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