Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
