So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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