And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
