pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
