cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
