apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
