the condom got lost in my hair
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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