Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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