Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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