I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
