Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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