Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
