So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
