There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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