But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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