Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just saw a hot homeless man
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
