Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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