So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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