Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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