I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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