if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
