wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
