if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
