I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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