We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
