Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Panties = found
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
