So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
